Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
fuck your aforementioned shoe
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
