Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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