shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
