he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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