now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Bring me that man meat
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
