he thought i was a dude.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
