I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
