Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
