Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
