**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
