last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
As shirtless as possible
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
