my phone needs a breathalizer
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
