I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
