This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
