burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
