I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Randomize
