he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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