Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Pants are for mortals
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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