I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
