These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You dont lie about slip and slides
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
