bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
