I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
