I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
