You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
