Cold hands, warm shart.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
