...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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