Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I checked into jail on foursquare
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
