his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
