New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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