I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
