You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
