K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
