I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
