She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
