her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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