You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
