Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
NoShamevember. You game?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
