whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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