Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
