At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
