Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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