This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
