we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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