true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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