literally had 100 drinks last night.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Two words: nipple clamps
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