i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
