I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
