I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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