Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
