Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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