Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
