Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
