if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
