I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
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